


take over my heart, and my whole life too, if you want

by bbhyun



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, and hes so dumb about it, hyungwons completely whipped for kihyun, i love mx, kihyuns cute whats new, minhyuks the bff of all bffs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 05:20:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12881007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbhyun/pseuds/bbhyun
Summary: and yoo kihyun truly has taken over every inch of hyungwon's foolish heart, dug out all the muscle and flesh, curled up in the middle of it and conquered the whole damn thing.





	take over my heart, and my whole life too, if you want

**Author's Note:**

> ive fallen into monsta x hell this is my offering its the longest thing ive ever written pls be nice & leave comments if u likey u.u
> 
> edit: i wanted to develop kh's character more but it was HARD writing is hard i might edit this more if i get more inspo

“Hyungwon, caramel or milk? They don’t have chocolate today.” Minhyuk calls from inside the convenience store. Hyungwon sits on a curb outside the store, enjoying the brief blast of air-conditioning Minhyuk’s proximity brings, but too lazy to move inside. He’s exhausted from another day at school and had collapsed on the floor with his way too heavy book bag the second he’d been given the opportunity. 

“Surprise me,” Hyungwon replies dryly, unbuttoning the top button of his shirt. Summer was at its peak, and though Hyungwon had always liked the sunshine, the pressing heat left his shirt sticking to his back and his mind sluggish. The door closes once Minhyuk goes back into the store, and Hyungwon frowns. “It’s so fucking hot.” He whines to nobody in particular, and leans backward to prop himself up with one arm, fanning himself with his other. 

“That’s what you get for not going inside, lazy ass.” Kihyun muses as he walks out of the store. Craning his neck to look at his friend, Hyungwon sees that Kihyun has two ice cream cones in his hand. 

“Minhyuk got you caramel.” Kihyun groans like a grandfather as he sits down, and Hyungwon snorts before taking the cone. He bites at the ice cream, sweet sticky cold making his front teeth ache. Beside him, Kihyun rolls his eyes. “Seventeen years old and still doesn’t know how to eat ice cream. Chae Hyungwon, everybody.” They’re blessed with another few seconds of cool air and Minhyuk plops himself down beside Kihyun. 

“Caramel’s too fucking sweet, Minhyuk.” Hyungwon complains, and steals a lick of Kihyun’s milk-flavoured ice cream when he’s trying to pull his bag strap from under Minhyuk’s ass. Minhyuk sticks out his tongue in response, and Kihyun shoves his cone into Hyungwon’s nose. 

Minhyuk laughs when Kihyun complains about having to sit next to unhygienic Hyungwon who wipes the ice cream away with his sleeve, and Hyungwon laughs when Minhyuk calls Kihyun a weirdo. Hyungwon stands up to move to sit next to Minhyuk, and Kihyun laughs and tugs at his shirt, forcing him to sit back down. 

“No, don’t leave me, Hyungwonnie. Then my left side will be lonely.” 

“Selfish.” Minhyuk drawls. 

Hyungwon smiles to himself. 

Sometimes he thinks the two of them are the only reason why he gets through the day. It’s been like this since Hyungwon had first moved here - Chae Hyungwon and Yoo Kihyun and Lee Minhyuk, the strangest of trios, bumbling their way through middle school and high school basically only with each other (except Minhyuk because Minhyuk was friends with everyone). A few days after moving in, Hyungwon had wandered into the park and found Kihyun scolding Minhyuk for dropping his potato chips and Minhyuk whining about Kihyun being too aggressive when reaching into the bag. Hyungwon had laughed louder than he realised, only because the two looked so incredibly silly, and Kihyun had turned to him and gone, _what are you laughing at, stranger?_ , leaving Hyungwon amused but vaguely intimidated. _You’re so rude, Kihyunnie. Obviously he was laughing at you, ‘cause you’re weird. Hey you, do you want some chips? I don’t want to share them with him anymore._ Two days later, Kihyun and Minhyuk had cemented Hyungwon into their lives. 

Kihyun pokes him, and Hyungwon realises he’s been daydreaming for too long and the caramel ice cream is dripping down his fingers. 

\- 

Hyungwon had been peacefully dreaming about asking that cute girl from their English class out when Kihyun had poked him in his side extremely rudely. 

“If you’re gonna sleep in class, the least you could do was not drool your gross saliva all over my notes.” Kihyun smirks, and even though his brain is only barely functioning now, it’s awake enough to know that Hyungwon wants to slap that annoying smile off his best friend’s face. 

He groans, rubbing his side. _How was Kihyun’s finger so sharp?_ He looks to the front of the class to see if their teacher’s looking at him, and slumps back onto the table when he sees her attention is, as usual, nowhere near the two of them. “Fuck you, Kihyun.” 

“Especially because we all know you’re going to need these beautiful notes of mine.” Kihyun continues smugly, making a show of dabbing away Hyungwon’s spit with his sleeve. 

“I wish Minhyuk was the one in my class. Not you. You. Are an ass.” Hyungwon mumbles into his elbow, eyes already closed. 

“Hyungwon, we both know you’d die 5 seconds without me always by your side. You love me too much.” Hyungwon doesn’t need to open his eyes to know Kihyun’s smile is shark-like now, as it always gets when he’s feeding his ego too much. Then again, Hyungwon never denies it, and Kihyun isn’t one to lie, so maybe it’s _Hyungwon_ who feeds Kihyun’s ego. Perhaps he should stop doing that. 

“Whatever. My saliva isn’t gross.” 

Unfortunately for Hyungwon, he only gets a few more minutes of undisturbed sleep before the bell rings. No matter how much Hyungwon insists he only wants to sleep through recess, Kihyun always manages to drag him out of his seat. Through his hazy, just-awake vision, Hyungwon can only make out Kihyun’s smaller frame impatiently shifting from one foot to the other, waiting for him. 

“You’re legitimately going to disappear into thin air if you don’t eat.” 

Just for formalities’ sake, Hyungwon pretends to ignore Kihyun’s whining and go back to sleep. They both know Hyungwon’s going to get up, though, because Kihyun won’t eat unless Hyungwon does (he’s annoying, that way), and Kihyun gets cranky if he doesn’t get to eat recess. Besides, the thought of Kihyun going hungry because _he_ was too lazy never sits well with Hyungwon. 

Minhyuk has a different recess from them today, so the two of them eat alone, the air around them distinctly quieter without Minhyuk’s constant chatter and updates on a joke he’d made in class, or how another friend had begged him to introduce her to Hyungwon. Hyungwon doesn’t mind though, neither he nor Kihyun have problems with quietness, and it was always nice to spend time with Kihyun alone (though he’d never admit that aloud. Ever). 

When it’s just the two of them, Kihyun is nicer, softer. Not that he isn’t annoying, though, because for some unknown reason, Yoo Kihyun _lives_ to tease the shit out of Hyungwon. He’s more affectionate with Hyungwon, something that only develops over many years of friendship, because Kihyun is not Minhyuk, and it takes a while for him to open up. Hyungwon had once told him that he’s always nicer when he’s alone with someone, but Kihyun had responded with a weird look and a _the only person you’ve ever seen me be alone with is you_. Which frankly, hadn’t made much sense to Hyungwon, so he’d dropped the subject. It wasn’t as if he didn’t know that Kihyun’s pride made it difficult to admit when he was being nice to anyone. Especially to Hyungwon, because, as said before, Yoo Kihyun only exists to make Hyungwon’s life difficult. 

Hyungwon pretends he doesn’t notice when Kihyun gives him an extra piece of pork and tells him he eats too fast. Pretends he doesn’t want his cubes of watermelon because the days when the cafeteria serves watermelon gets Kihyun all jumpy and excited. 

Telling Kihyun _you’re weird_ , is what he does instead, laughing when Kihyun looks up from his tray to screw his face up in response, because Kihyun’s cheeks are full of watermelon and his nose is scrunchy and he looks stupid. 

-

“Me?” Kihyun says incredulously, and Minhyuk nods furiously. 

It’s a Saturday, and the three of them are lying around in Hyungwon’s room. This girl that Minhyuk had crushed on for like two days last month had apparently noticed Kihyun during a field trip and fallen head over heels for him. Hyungwon wants to roll his eyes so badly, because how can anyone fall in love from one day of ogling from the side? On the other hand, Minhyuk looks so gleeful over this tiny bit of news, Hyungwon thinks he’s going to burst from excitement. 

“So? What do you say? I can introduce you guys! I can be matchmaker! Since grumpy Chae Hyungwon never lets me.” Minhyuk grins, rubbing his hands together. Kihyun still looks completely confused, as if it was unfathomable that anyone could ever like like him. Hyungwon wants to roll his eyes even more, because for all his _I’m the most handsome out of the three of us_ and _I think I’m at least in top five percentile of what this school has to offer_ , Kihyun can be quite dense. 

“Hyungwonnie, don’t be upset because it’s the first time my friend doesn’t like you.” Minhyuk snorts, and they both look at Hyungwon. Minhyuk opens his mouth, as if about to remind him of all the girls Hyungwon had turned down, and Hyungwon waves him off immediately. 

“Shut up. Obviously, I’m happy that Kihyun’s got some game.” Hyungwon says, “just goes to show everyone has someone, right? Even Kihyun.” He reaches over and pats Kihyun on the back, who still looks confused. 

It’s not that Hyungwon isn’t interested in girls, or getting a girlfriend, because he is. He’s whined to his friends about wanting to be in a relationship, wanting to have someone to love, or at least like in that way, but for some reason, he could never find it in himself to do anything about this desire. There were girls who liked him, and a fair share of them were cute enough, but Hyungwon had never actually found them interesting in a date-able kind of way. _There won’t be instant interest, you know, you have to actually try,_ Minhyuk always says. As if Lee Minhyuk knew anything about dating. 

It’s not that Hyungwon doesn’t know girls that maybe, he wouldn’t mind trying with. When it comes to the part where he has to actually ask someone out, or go on dates with, Hyungwon finds that his interest dies quickly. Maybe it really is his fault. Maybe Hyungwon’s going to die alone because he’s too fucking lazy. 

“Stop looking so confused. You’re cute!” Minhyuk insists, squeezing Kihyun’s knee. “I, too, want to keep you in my pocket and pinch your cheeks and feed you. Why wouldn’t this random girl want to?” Kihyun flushes, though very slightly, and looks at Minhyuk. 

“Fine. I’ll go on a date with her.” 

Minhyuk beams and claps his hands. “I can’t believe it. It’s going to be Kihyunnie’s first date and I’m the matchmaker.” 

“You better not be shitting me on this, Minhyuk. I’ll kill you if you are.” 

Hyungwon lies back down onto his bed, only to bump clumsily against Minhyuk’s knee. He isn’t sure why, but he kind of, no, _really_ , wants to change the subject. 

-

It turns out that Kihyun is kind of into the girl as well, though he’s still wary of feelings, because he’s Kihyun. They go on more than one date, and though they don’t really define their relationship, she somehow slots into Kihyun’s life and in return, their lives, quite easily. Her name is Bora and she is kind and funny and witty enough to counter all of Minhyuk’s jokes and Hyungwon can’t help but like her. She makes Kihyun nicer, softer, not just when they’re alone, but period. Kihyun’s happier too, lighter, even, and while Hyungwon is happy for him, he can’t shake that weird feeling he’d had ever since that Saturday. He isn't oblivious to how Kihyun smiles and sings more, the little jump in his step when he's just come back from spending time with Bora. Once upon a time, Hyungwon had said that he made Kihyun nicer and softer. Looking at Kihyun now, Hyungwon wonders how he'd ever thought _he_ had made a difference. 

Obviously, he doesn’t make this weird feeling known, because firstly, Bora is wonderful, so he can’t even mask the feeling as him not liking her, and secondly, a good friend would support their relationship, and after years of Kihyun supporting and taking care of him, Hyungwon really, really wants to be half as good of a friend as he has been. So he hides it, conceals the slight sourness in his mouth when Kihyun flushes at the mention of Bora, the twinge of disappointment when Kihyun hangs out with Bora after school, instead of with him and Minhyuk. Instead, he smiles and cheers when Kihyun confesses that they’d kissed for the first time at a cinema (cliché), congratulates him when Kihyun tells them that they’re officially dating. 

Minhyuk, on the other hand, absolutely adores the two of them, and can’t get enough of them together. 

“Where do you think they’re off to today?” Minhyuk giggles, licking strawberry off his lips. It’s a bit into autumn now, and it’s cold enough that they’re both in jackets, but Minhyuk still insists on getting ice cream after school. Hyungwon shoves his hands into his pockets and sighs. 

“Who even gives a fuck, Minhyuk?” 

Minhyuk loops his arm with Hyungwon’s and laughs. “Moody. Stop pouting ‘cause Kihyun’s not here. I’m here, Hyungwonnie!” At that, Hyungwon cracks a smile, and ruffles Minhyuk’s hair. When Minhyuk’s busy rattling on about some guy in class, Hyungwon swoops in and sneaks in a mouthful of strawberry ice cream. 

“Oh, gross, come on,” Minhyuk whines, “just ‘cause Kihyun’s off with Bora doesn’t mean you are entitled to _my_ ice cream.” But he smiles, and offers his ice cream to Hyungwon for a proper lick, and Hyungwon has a wave of affection for him. 

_Minhyuk’s right._ Hyungwon’s lucky that he still has him, even if Kihyun’s too busy kissing Bora anywhere and everywhere in this small town. For the briefest moment, he lets himself imagine them kissing one another, and wonders if Bora is a good kisser. He wonders if Kihyun likes kissing her. _Is Kihyun a good kisser? Ugh._ That’s enough thinking about kissing and his best friend (gross) for the next ten years. 

He’s happy for Kihyun. He really is. For as long as he can remember, Kihyun hasn’t really shown much interest in girls, and vice versa, so much so that the idea of Kihyun being the first in the trio to be in an actual relationship is kind of disconcerting. But not bad, really. Hyungwon likes it when Kihyun’s happy. _Young love - that’s what youth’s about, right?_ On hindsight, it’s strange that Hyungwon’s never imagined a reality where any of them would be getting with girls. 

-

This afternoon finds Hyungwon and Minhyuk in Minhyuk’s room, supposedly studying. Kihyun’s distinct lack of free time means Hyungwon spends basically all afternoons and weekends with Minhyuk, which is totally fine, because he sees Kihyun so much in class anyway, and he likes Minhyuk a lot. 

Except Minhyuk has huge problems focusing when studying, and isn’t even half as good a study buddy as Kihyun. With a whine, Minhyuk flops onto the table and mumbles something about taking a nap. They’re both sitting on the floor, books and worksheets splayed out on a low table, pens and highlighters all over, because Minhyuk insists that this makes him feel more productive. 

Which is very different from Kihyun, who keeps his workspace neat and tidy, and only uses a maximum of two pens at any time. But that doesn’t matter, because Kihyun is probably out holding Bora’s hand somewhere and isn’t here. Hyungwon hates that there’s a tinge of bitterness lingering at the end of that thought. 

Minhyuk blows his bangs out of his eyes and looks up at Hyungwon, “Hyungwon, let’s do something else.” 

“I wish Kihyun were here. Then I might be able to actually finish this three-day-old assignment.” 

“Then you should tell him that. Not complain to me when I’m here.” Minhyuk pouts. 

Hyungwon raises his eyebrow. “Tell him what?” 

“That you wish he were here. Every time you talk to him you always tell him to go on with Bora.” Minhyuk sits up now, and tilts his head slightly. 

“I mean… I can’t hold him back just because I need him to make me finish my homework.” Hyungwon isn’t sure where this conversation is going. 

“Pretty sure you need him for more than your homework.” Minhyuk says quietly, with the smallest of smirks. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Nothing,” comes his innocent reply, “hey, why don’t you get a girlfriend? I can hook you up with someone.” 

Hyungwon leans back and rests his head against Minhyuk’s bed. “I don’t need you to hook me up with anyone.” 

There’s a shuffle of papers and the slight scrape of a table being moved as Minhyuk scoots over and places his head in Hyungwon’s lap. “Really? I think you need someone to keep you grounded. Or something.” 

The musing in Minhyuk’s voice makes Hyungwon smile. Lee Minhyuk trying to be deep is something that will never cease to amuse him. 

“I don’t…I don’t need anyone.” Hyungwon replies slowly, “I’ve got you.” 

Minhyuk’s reply is so uncharacteristically quiet this time, Hyungwon barely catches it. “I think you’re lonely.” 

He purses his lips slightly and begins playing with Minhyuk’s hair. Maybe Minhyuk’s right. He would be lying if he said he doesn’t wonder what it would feel like to hold someone’s hand in his, and touch their face softly, and kiss them in the shadow of the night after walking them home. He just wishes he had someone he could feel that way about. Maybe he tries to cram all his free time with plans with his friends to hide the fact that he is lonely. But Hyungwon doesn’t say any of this to Minhyuk. 

“As if you would know anything about dating.” 

Minhyuk looks up at Hyungwon and sticks his tongue out. 

-

“I never get to spend time with you anymore. Outside school, I mean.” Kihyun says quietly, as they walk into the supermarket. Today, Hyungwon’s running some errands for his family. For the first time in what feels like years, Kihyun’s afternoon is free. Smiling slightly. Hyungwon takes the basket Kihyun’s picked up from him, and pretends he hadn’t leapt for joy when Kihyun had asked to tag along. 

“You know that’s kind of your fault, right?” He jokes (but not really jokes), and Kihyun has the decency to duck his head. 

Hyungwon makes his way down the supermarket aisles, scanning the shelves for what his mother had asked for in the morning. He doesn’t need to look back to know that Kihyun is following right behind. He’s in the midst of searching for the kind of soap his family uses when Kihyun nudges him in the back. And of course, Kihyun’s found the soap before he has, and of course, he’s grinning like it’s some kind of achievement. Wordlessly, he takes the bottle of soap. To the rest of the world, it might be funny how Kihyun knows what brand of soap to look for without even peeking at Hyungwon’s list. But Hyungwon bets Kihyun even knows where they keep the extra soap in his house, and the type of shampoo they use, and the way they arrange the bottles in the shower. 

When they’re done, they walk over to the cashier and wait for the boy to bag their items. The boy behind the register has dyed brown hair and a handsome face. He nods at the two of them and says, conversationally, “Stocking up for the house?” 

Hyungwon squints at the boy’s name tag, _Hoseok_ , and nods. Hoseok smiles - Hyungwon likes how his eyes crinkle at the ends and how his smile shows most of his straight teeth. “You two are cute.” 

Confused, Hyungwon follows Hoseok’s line of vision and only just notices that his hands have naturally found their way to Kihyun’s shoulder, a little closer than necessary. 

“Oh, no, no, no,” Kihyun replies first, glancing up from his phone and laughing, “I have a girlfriend, man.” Hyungwon retracts his hands and smiles too, though he doesn’t miss the fact that Kihyun had said ‘no’ three times and that that had stung a little. 

“We’re good friends.” 

They’re walking home now, and Kihyun insists on taking the longer route through the park. _It’s autumn. It’s pretty._

And he’s right. The leaves on the trees are a lovely auburn, and every step they take is met with a light crunch of leaves under their feet. Kihyun excitedly snaps pictures of the leaves, putting down the plastic bag he’d been helping Hyungwon carry to run off, phone in hand. He can’t seem to stop marvelling at how pretty everything looks in the afternoon sun. If Hyungwon had been any good at photography, he thinks a photo of Kihyun bundled up in his coat taking pictures of anything and everything would be a better picture than any of the crappy leaves Kihyun’s so obsessed with. 

But Hyungwon isn’t good at photography, so he settles for strolling behind Kihyun, taking mental pictures of how the golden light touches Kihyun’s hair and gives him the warmest glow. He watches Kihyun a bit longer than he’d intended to, finds a smile curving on his lips at Kihyun’s concentrating face. A small part of him knows that if he cupped Kihyun’s cheek, his skin would be warm from the sunlight, and smooth against his fingers. 

_What the fuck, Hyungwon._

He clears his throat and looks down at his feet, hating how his own cheeks feel warm, though definitely not from the sunlight. When he’s mostly cleared those fucking weird thoughts from his head, he glances up again. Kihyun’s put his phone away and is just standing still, smiling directly at him. His smile’s as bright as the sun. Hyungwon can’t help but smile back, because Kihyun looks so small and excited and cute and he wants to feed him the sweetest honey and wrap him in a big blanket and maybe a hug. 

_What the fuck, Hyungwon._

“I love autumn.” Kihyun sighs.

“We’re different, then. I like spring.” Hyungwon blurts. 

On the way back, Hyungwon catches himself looking at Kihyun’s hand. Catches himself and pulls the reins, pulling him back to reality, where they are friends and Kihyun is dating Bora and Hyungwon is alone but not lonely. 

_What the fuck, Hyungwon._

-

Hyungwon wants to tell himself that that afternoon in the autumn breeze and golden sun was a result of not hanging out with Kihyun normally anymore, but someone at the back of his mind is telling him to stop kidding himself. No one just asks themselves what it would be like to hold their best friend’s hand because they were tired of only seeing him in class. For some reason, the person at the back of his mind has an annoying voice that sounds a little too much like Lee Minhyuk's, and _since when did Lee Minhyuk give advice anyway?_

To tell the truth, and only the absolute truth, Hyungwon is confused and scared. Confused because he doesn’t really know what to make out of it all. Scared because he’s never had these thoughts about anyone, let alone about his best friend, a boy. 

But along with these emotions comes a sense of dread. The sinking feeling in Hyungwon’s stomach tells him he kind of knows what these thoughts mean, and he really hopes they don’t mean what he thinks they mean. The dread feels like it’s going to swallow him whole, suffocate him, because he wants to talk to someone, but he also can’t. He can’t talk to anyone because what would they think of him? _Hell, what does he think of him?_

It’s getting late at night and Hyungwon can’t seem to clear his head. He’s telling himself to think of a blank, empty sheet so his mind can take a break and fall asleep, but these horrible thoughts keep creeping in. He gets up and slips on his jacket, grabbing his wallet and phone before leaving the house. He needs a drink. 

Hyungwon ends up at the 24 hour convenience store near the park, wrapping his fingers around a cup of coffee to warm them. Maybe if he looks at the poster of IU and soju hard enough the answers to all his questions will come to him. Nothing. 

Perhaps the part that confuses him the most is how sudden it had all come. He hadn’t had any thoughts like this before, and then all it had taken was a little (no, a lot) less time spent with Kihyun and he found himself sad and confused and longing for - 

Longing for something else? 

Longing for something more? 

_What the fuck does he even want?_

It’s as if Hyungwon’s been sitting in a dark room for all his life, happy and content without icky feelings and gross thoughts and then someone had suddenly switched all the lights on at once. Now he’s left sitting in a painfully bright room, eyes struggling to adjust to the light, head spinning. _Ugh. A big wave of weirdness out of nowhere. Just what he needed._

“Hey. You! From the supermarket, right?” A voice calls, breaking his train of thought. Hyungwon looks up and sees that cashier boy, raises his eyebrows in greeting. He looks back down at his coffee and kind of wants to shrivel up into his coat. Ever since he was young, Hyungwon has never been good at interacting with new people, especially not when he’s feeling this _blah_ about everything. He’s not sure if he can even hold a decent conversation with this Hoseok guy. 

“Can I sit? I’m Hoseok, by the way.” 

Hyungwon eyes him warily and nods. This Hoseok’s the friendly kind, like Minhyuk, maybe toned down a little. The kind that made friends and grew affectionate quickly. “I’m Hyungwon.”

“So…coffee at 11.40pm? An unusual choice.” Hoseok begins casually, removing his gloves so he can uncap his bottle of soju. He catches Hyungwon’s wry look and laughs, “hey, late night drinking isn’t weird.” 

Hyungwon lets out something which might be a laugh, and says, “just sorting some shit out.”

“Want to talk about it?” Hoseok asks, and takes a swig of soju. 

Hyungwon furrows his brow and looks at Hoseok properly. As he’d noticed before, Hoseok’s good looking, even in the dim lighting, and he seems to carry himself with the kind of confidence and bravado Hyungwon can only dream of having. From behind his brown bangs, Hoseok’s eyes twinkle at him mischievously, but not insincerely. 

“I’ve literally just met you.” 

“Technically, this is our second time meeting.” Hoseok laughs. It’s a very nice laugh, round and happy and Hyungwon decides he likes his laugh a lot. 

“I’m good, thanks.” 

“Suit yourself.” 

Hyungwon looks back at his coffee and tries to go back to thinking to himself, but Hoseok’s takes a swig of soju every few moments, placing the bottle back on the table a little louder than Hyungwon liked, and he can’t really focus at all. “What are you doing here? We aren’t even talking.” 

Hoseok studies him intently, then says, “I wanted to, though. You’re cute.” 

“I’m sorry, but I’m not _gay_.” Hyungwon says automatically, words awkward when they tumble out of his mouth. He realises his eagerness to deny it had been rude, and mumbles an apology Hoseok accepts easily.

Hoseok doesn’t continue to say anything, only looks at him, as if he expects Hyungwon to keep going. 

“I mean, I don’t think I am.” Hyungwon mutters, then curses himself for letting that slip out. 

This makes Hoseok smile, not the full set of teeth smile Hyungwon had already told himself he liked, but a small, more meaningful smile. _If that even made any sense._ “Okay,” he says simply. 

“Okay?” 

“Yeah. I’ll leave you to figure it out.” Hoseok hums, “tough time. I’m always here to talk, though.” 

Hyungwon laughs and hopes he’s never desperate enough to go to a stranger for help. 

-

It’s nearing their end-year exams, which is extremely bad news for Hyungwon. He’s spent majority of the school year slacking off and sleeping in lessons, copying from Kihyun and then sleeping some more, and now he’s forced to pay attention in class. That means actually staying awake and lasting through boring, monotonous lectures. Even worse, that means actually being awake to witness Kihyun’s presence beside him, rather than just surviving the recesses where Hyungwon can barely meet Kihyun’s eye for more than five seconds. At least he doesn’t have to actively converse with Kihyun during lessons. That doesn’t mean he’s not painfully aware of Kihyun’s every move, every shift in his position, every slight bump of their elbows. 

_Jesus, get it together Hyungwon._

But Hyungwon must be the dumbest, most idiotic of the lot, because all he can pay attention to is Kihyun yawning and scribbling and twirling his pen in his peripheral vision. 

“You should see him in class, Minhyuk,” Kihyun rolls his eyes, through a mouthful of rice, “actually paying attention, but barely. He fidgets so much.” Minhyuk and Kihyun break into some conversation, but Hyungwon doesn’t hear a word. _It’s probably about you. You should be paying attention. They're probably telling some embarrassing story about you and you need to pay attention so you can hit both of them._ He can’t though, he’s too busy concentrating on eating without doing anything embarrassing, like when Kihyun had caught him staring. 

These days, his thoughts go a little more like this. _I’m not gay. I’m not gay. I’m not gay. I think about girls and I like girls and girls are pretty and that one time I dreamt about asking a girl out, so I like girls. And even if I were gay, it wouldn’t be for fucking Kihyun, it’d at least be for someone hot._ He admits he goes a little overboard sometimes. 

“Hey, Hyungwon, you listening?” Minhyuk singsongs, waving a fork in front of him, “there’s a girl asking for your number. She’s cute. I gave it to her.” 

When Hyungwon doesn’t say anything, Minhyuk continues, “I know technically I could have asked you first, but frankly speaking I think you need help, so I did it anyway. Remember how well it turned out when I matched Kihyun and Bora? Yeah. Exactly. So I may or may not have told her you’d go on a date with her too.” 

_I’m not gay_ , Hyungwon thinks, so he tells himself to smile and agree to meeting her for an innocent date. Hyungwon’s not gay, and he’s perfectly excited about grabbing a meal with this cute girl who is interested in him, because he’s not gay. 

“Okay.” 

It’s simpler than any of them had expected. Minhyuk’s beaming and Kihyun has some weird look on his face, like he has a strange stomachache and is trying to figure out what he ate wrong. Not that Hyungwon notices, though, because all that matters is there’s a cute girl who wants to meet him and he’s not gay and maybe Minhyuk’s right, all this is because Hyungwon is kind of lonely. 

“Okay?” Minhyuk echoes, bouncing in his seat. 

“Okay.” Hyungwon repeats more firmly. 

And it is, for a while, anyway. Minhyuk’s friend Dasom is perfectly pleasant, and their date goes as well as dates go. Dasom has pretty almond-shaped eyes and long, silky hair and a quietness that Hyungwon finds both calming and sweet at the same time. With her, Hyungwon can distract his mind for the most part, fill the emptiness in his heart with walks in the park with Dasom and cute text messages with little stickers and emoticons. Dasom is happy to follow Hyungwon on all of his errands, and when they both show up at the supermarket, Hoseok blinks in surprise. _Hey, Hyungwon’s sister_ , Hoseok says as he bags the fruits Hyungwon and Dasom had picked together. _She’s my girlfriend, hyung_ , he’d said, annoyed at Hoseok’s disbelief. _Oh._

He doesn’t think about Kihyun that much, which is good because it means things are normal again, and Kihyun can be happy with Bora and he is happy with Dasom and all is okay.

Some part of him accuses him of using Dasom to get over Kihyun, but that doesn’t really make sense. You can’t get over someone you never were into anyway. 

For now, things are normal. Normal is good. 

-

“Hey, we’re catching that new movie together, right?” 

Hyungwon hums in response, but his attention really is on this game on his phone. 

“Hyungwon.” Kihyun repeats, poking him. Hyungwon shies away from Kihyun’s finger, and switches his phone off. He pretends not to notice the slight hurt in Kihyun’s eyes as he lowers his finger. “I said, we’re watching the movie together, right? The space one? You know, the one I’ve been waiting for for ages. It came out today, in case you forgot.” 

Hyungwon’s mouth forms in an ‘O’ shape. _Fuck._ “Sorry about that, Kihyunnie, but Dasom wants to watch it with me.”

Silence. 

“And I promised her I would.” 

It isn’t that he’d forgotten. How could he? Not when Kihyun had been going on about the movie since it’d been announced that his favourite director would be releasing it. And yet he had.

“Oh. Okay.” Kihyun looks away casually, “yeah, okay, that’s cool. It’s fine.” 

“I mean, I’m sure Bora will watch it with you. Or Minhyukkie. It’s just a movie.” Hyungwon feels a twang of guilt when Kihyun flinches slightly. He’s being a bad friend. He knows. But at the same time, he wants to let Kihyun feel what he feels, wants to feed him his own bitter medicine. The prideful him standing taller, growing stronger and crueller, saying _here, this is how I’ve felt every single time you turned me down for Bora_ , and everything is just so bitter, bitter, bitter. 

Kihyun nods slowly, and is suddenly very interested in his notifications. “Okay. You have fun with Dasom. Tell her I said hi, then.” 

Hyungwon does go ahead in the end, pushing the guilt aside. _I shouldn’t be guilty for wanting to spend time with my girlfriend._ Referring to Dasom as his girlfriend feels clumsy, but that’s most things with them. The way he greets her a bit too formally, offers to buy the tickets when she’d already texted him that she _had_ their tickets, tries to share his caramel popcorn with her even though she likes the salty kind. It’s clumsy, but they’re trying, and Hyungwon can’t deny that her sweet smile makes him smile back. 

Forty minutes into the movie and Dasom gets bored. She fiddles with her dress and eats the popcorn she doesn’t even like, checking her phone for notifications. Hyungwon tells her they can leave if she wants to, but she insists it’s okay, and Hyungwon doesn’t push her further. He actually really likes the movie. Kihyun had introduced him and Minhyuk to the director a while back, while Minhyuk had gotten bored quickly, Hyungwon was hooked from day one. If you asked him, he doesn’t have a favourite director, he’s not nearly that much of a film nerd to have one, but if Hyungwon had to choose, it’d be the same as Kihyun’s. So he’s kind of disappointed that Dasom doesn’t seem to show any interest, no matter how much she denies it, and he knows that Kihyun would have been much more fun of a movie date. If he’d gone ahead with Kihyun, he’d have a little kid shaking his leg all throughout the movie, whispering and reacting to every little detail. And because it’s Kihyun, Hyungwon would have told him to shut up without actually meaning it, and maybe Kihyun would hit him. 

At the end of the movie, Dasom thanks him for a nice evening, and kisses him. Like everything else about them, it’s clumsy, their noses bump each other, but her lips taste like caramel and it’s pleasant enough. Hyungwon had always expected his first kiss to be more exciting, but still, a first kiss is a first kiss, and he feels like telling someone about it. When Dasom's long gone, he taps his lips gingerly and laughs, because he can't believe his first kiss had happened at the cinema, _wow you're just as clichéd as Kihyun_. He opens his chat with Kihyun, letting out a small exhale of laughter when he sees their last message in the chat - a really blur picture of Hyungwon pulling a funny face, then exits it. He opens his chat with Minhyuk instead, because Hyungwon still feels bad about ditching Kihyun and reporting to him about his first kiss at that movie might be rubbing it in his face. 

Hyungwon waits for Minhyuk’s reply, expecting some overly excitable response, but gets greeted with a rather flat reaction. He’s still wondering how he’s supposed to reply to that when Minhyuk sends him another message. 

**from: minhyukkie oppa my no. 1 best friend forever**

_you know, i went to that movie with kihyun just now…he was kinda bummed that you couldn’t make it_

_obviously it’s not your fault…i hope you had fun with dasom >:) _

_you know he broke up with bora today, right? he was really looking forward to watching that boring ass movie with you_

Hyungwon freezes as he registers the news. _Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit Why hadn’t Kihyun told him that?_ He’d have gone to the movie in an instant if he’d known. He groans when it comes to him slowly, Kihyun’s distinctively quieter self just now. Even though things were kind of weird between them now, the day never passed without at least one taunt from Kihyun. _Shit._

It’s 10.20pm and Chae Hyungwon feels like the worst best friend in the whole wide world. His phone buzzes and it’s Minhyuk asking him about his kiss, but now it just feels like he’s trying to make things less awkward. He taps a quick reply to Minhyuk and calls Kihyun, who answers after a few rings. 

“Hey. How was the movie?” Kihyun asks the moment he picks up. Hyungwon hates how normal Kihyun is being. 

“Kihyun, why didn’t you tell me you broke up with Bora?” Hyungwon says quietly, chewing on his lip. 

“Technically, she broke up with me.” A quiet chuckle. “Anyway, it’s…it’s not a big deal. Did you have fun?” 

It’s cold, tonight. Hyungwon pulls his jacket closer to his body. “No, it is a big deal, and I’m a fucking terrible best friend.” 

He continues when Kihyun stays quiet, “you know I would’ve gone to that movie with you if I’d known.” 

At this, Kihyun laughs, but it’s sharp and unnatural. 

“I wouldn’t want you to come just because you felt bad about my breakup,” he sighs, “I’m kidding. I know what you mean, but it’s cool.” 

“No, I’m a horrible best friend.”

“You really are.” They both laugh, except this time it's real laughter, and Hyungwon's heart feels just a little lighter. 

Another pause passes, and then Kihyun says in a small voice, “she broke up with me because she said I wasn’t into the relationship anymore. I guess that’s kind of true…but Hyungwon, I still like her a lot.” 

“I know.”

-

Following his breakup, Kihyun is mostly the same. Any stranger looking wouldn’t have known anything was up, but Hyungwon and Minhyuk could see past him. Hyungwon tries to make up for the past month of being a shitty friend by hanging around Kihyun a lot more, and though Kihyun never says anything, Hyungwon knows his friend’s grateful. Neither of them have ever been the feelings type - they’re both happy to leave that to Minhyuk, so there are no tears and no hugs and _you’ll be okay, Kihyun_ s. Instead, they rarely even address the topic and the closest Hyungwon comes to a hug is a light pat on the shoulder. 

Things go back to normal, real normal, this time, and Hyungwon is happy that his days are full of jokes and banter. His weird thoughts come back sometimes, crawling into his mind, but for the most part, they’re just best friends again. Best friends who truly appreciate each other and enjoy spending their time together and Hyungwon is happier than he has been in a while. 

“I’m sorry, Dasom, but I’m busy today.” He rubs the back of his neck apologetically. He’s sorry, really, because even he knows he hasn’t been spending enough time with his girlfriend (yeah, they were official now) and he knows he should be.

Dasom’s eyes narrow, “with Kihyun again?” 

“You know how it is.” 

“Really? Because he looks just fine to me, Hyungwon. It’s been so long, he should be over it by now.” Dasom’s reply is snappy and sour, and though Hyungwon understands her, he can’t help but bristle at the hostility in her voice. She has the right to be angry, Hyungwon has been a pretty crappy boyfriend from the start, but -

“You know what, Hyungwon? Kihyun isn’t even high-maintenance, so I don’t know why you’re acting like he is.” 

Hyungwon winces at the underlying tension. It’s not that Kihyun is high-maintenance. He’s anything but. His best friend’s the kind of person deathly afraid of being high-maintenance, the kind who pushes you away the moment he thinks he’s taking up too much of your time. And yet, Hyungwon has been using Kihyun’s breakup as an excuse too often lately. 

“And you can’t keep holding on to both of us so tightly.” 

She turns to walk away, and she’s so wonderful; she deserves so much better than him. 

“Sooner or later, someone’s going to want to let go.” 

Kim Dasom has been nothing short of kind and lovely to him, and Hyungwon likes her through all their clumsiness. It doesn’t change the fact that if she is ever pitted against his best friend, Hyungwon is going to choose the latter in an instant. 

Hyungwon knows that’s probably wrong. At the very least, he should hesitate in his decision. But there has never been any question about it; at the slightest, softest call, Hyungwon will always run back to Kihyun. 

And maybe Hyungwon has just been hiding behind this breakup to spend every day he has with Kihyun (and escape from spending every day with Dasom). 

It takes a grand total of fifteen minutes before the heaviness from that conversation is gone. 

Kihyun flashes him a brilliant smile. 

Hyungwon’s heart smiles back. 

-

Finally, someone other than him acknowledges the tension between Hyungwon and Dasom. On the bright side, he stops feeling like he’s just overthinking and yes, things really are kind of iffy. On the not so bright side, the person who points it out is Kihyun, which, for some unknown reason, just makes Hyungwon defensive. 

“Hyungwon,” Kihyun begins, as the three of them walk into Hyungwon’s house. Winter’s round the corner and it’s getting too cold out to hang out in the park in their flimsy school uniforms, so they’ve started crashing at their houses after school. Hyungwon nods in response. 

“Are things okay with Dasom?” 

“Yes.” Hyungwon says automatically, then pauses, “why?” 

“Just…just asking.” 

He’s simultaneously relieved and irritated at the same time. The irritation comes from the way Kihyun is treading around the topic delicately, but still with the air that he knows better. Kihyun clears his throat. 

“Because…well honestly, it doesn’t seem that way, Hyungwon. You don’t seem very…happy.” 

Minhyuk quietly excuses himself to the bathroom, and suddenly the conversation seems more personal than it has to be. 

“I’m perfectly happy, thanks a lot.” There’s an edge in his voice when he replies. Hyungwon doesn’t know why he’s being like this. 

If he were talking to Minhyuk, Minhyuk would have backed down by now, but it’s Kihyun he’s dealing with. Kihyun, who’s too headstrong to back down when he knows he’s 99% right just because Hyungwon’s irritated. That’s the way it’s always been. Kihyun and Hyungwon, two sides of a coin, never afraid to collide and confront each other, and Minhyuk the mediator. 

“I’ve known you for years, Hyungwon. I think I know when you’re happy and when you’re not. And Jesus, you don’t need to get so angry.” 

“I’ve known myself since I was born, I think I know my own emotions.”

Suddenly they're both in full armour, standing face to face and challenging each other to a duel. Hyungwon knows it shouldn't be this way, Kihyun hadn't even intended it like this, but Hyungwon can't help arguing back. The silence that follows is weird and uncomfortable and Hyungwon’s clearly in the wrong here. They both know Kihyun is right, _he always fucking is_ , but this time Hyungwon doesn’t want him to be right. Hyungwon doesn’t want Kihyun to be right about him not being able to make it work with Dasom, because if he couldn’t make it work with a girl as patient and perfect as Dasom, then - Hyungwon stops. He doesn’t want to say it, think it. 

_Then maybe you can’t make it work with any other girl._

“If you aren’t happy, you should end it.” Hyungwon hates the plain, logical way he says it.

“You’re only saying that because you want me to end up single like you.” Hyungwon spits before he can stop himself. Kihyun raises his eyebrows coolly, but Hyungwon reads Kihyun like Kihyun reads him, and he sees that that had hurt. 

“Well now you’re just being an asshole.” He is. He really is. 

“I know you didn’t mean that, so I’m just going to leave. Until you choose to stop being an asshole, that is. Tell Minhyuk I said bye.”

Hyungwon closes his eyes and curses himself for being so stupid, again. When Minhyuk comes into the room, he doesn’t say anything about Kihyun’s absence, doesn’t build on to what Kihyun had started, and Hyungwon is thankful. 

-

Things go back to normal right after that, because that’s just how things work between them. No apology, no _I forgive you_ , just as if nothing had happened. Kihyun knows Hyungwon’s sorry, and Hyungwon knows Kihyun forgives him. But something has happened, maybe nothing that concerns Kihyun, but Hyungwon finds himself in conflict over it. 

It’s like his crisis a while back but worse, because now there’s a new factor in the equation - Dasom. _If he’s always avoiding her, that can’t be good, right? And what does it mean if he only wants to be around Kihyun?_

“Hi.” He stares at the boy behind the cash register awkwardly, “can we talk?” 

Hoseok grins back easily, as if they’ve been friends for ages and this isn’t literally the third time they’ve talked. “Sure, Hyungwon.”

They end up talking during Hoseok’s break. Hoseok listens attentively; Hyungwon can feel his eyes on him the whole time, though Hyungwon determinedly refuses to meet his gaze. It’s nice to have Hoseok to talk to, since he doesn’t really know much about Hyungwon and there isn’t any bias or judgment from him. When Hyungwon finishes, he feels his cheeks warm up. God, he must sound like some confused little boy going on about the most trivial of problems. It doesn’t help that he knows that’s exactly what this is. 

When Hoseok finally replies, he chooses his words carefully. “I definitely think your relationship with Dasom is strained. And unless you’re committed to working on it, then you might want to end it.” 

Hyungwon nods. He already knows this. This doesn’t even make up 50% of the problem. What’s important is the other part. 

“And I don’t want to alarm you, or scare you, Hyungwon. But I’m pretty sure you have a thing for this Kihyun.” 

_Fuck._

“You don’t have to act on it if you don’t want to, though. And you shouldn’t be scared. It’s okay.” 

_Fuck._

“Hyungwon, are you alright?”

_Fuck._

Hyungwon closes his eyes. Hoseok’s voice fades to nothing and all he hears is his heart beating. The strangest thing is he’s not alarmed. He’s not that surprised, even. Maybe he’s always know this, just tried desperately to squash his feelings into a little box and slip it under the rug. But now that Hoseok has said it aloud, his dirty secret is out and Hyungwon knows it’s real. That he is lonely and he’s always had that someone to feel this way about, always only wanted one person to feel that way about him. Hyungwon wonders how long he’s been trying to hide this from himself. _How long have you known?_

_Fuck._

Honestly, for all his whining about not having anyone, there's only ever been one person's hand Hyungwon's wanted to hold, one person's face he wanted to touch softly, one person he wanted to kiss in the shadow of the night after walking him home. Although maybe not walking him home, because Kihyun lives too close to Hyungwon and it would be a big problem if any of their neighbours see them.

“Hyung, I think I do like him.” His voice is so, so small. 

The words, once they pass through his lips, lift the weight that’s been in his heart for god knows how long, and Hyungwon feels like he’s breathing, really breathing. 

“I like him.” 

It’s time he be truthful to himself. 

He’s gotten tired of hiding it anyway.

Yes, he’s not alarmed, but Hyungwon’s still fucking scared. Scared because how many boys around here liked other boys, and who even said Kihyun was one of them? Scared because Kihyun might never look at him the same way again. Scared because he’s gay, which is huge. Scared because maybe he’s accepted that a long time ago. Scared because now that he’s really acknowledging it, all he wants to do is tell someone else. 

“I’m gay.” 

Hoseok ruffles his hair affectionately. “That's the spirit.” 

-

Hyungwon realises the worst part of finally admitting he likes Kihyun is not that he has to hide it, or that no one else knows, but that everything with Kihyun is heightened. A billion times worse than it had been during his first crisis over Yoo Kihyun. Then, he was embarrassed because he didn’t know why it was all happening. Now, he knows, he knows, he knows. _Does anyone else know?_ He can hardly stop himself from flushing every time he looks at Kihyun, can’t control the way his stomach clenches when Kihyun touches him. No matter what he does, every minute of every day is consumed with the a confession on his tongue. _Hey guys, someone, anyone who will listen, I like Kihyun. I’m not straight._

Unfortunately, Hyungwon has a rather small social circle, so he doesn’t really have a wide selection of people to come out to. And obviously, Kihyun’s not going to be the first of his friends to find out, because Hyungwon’s plucky but not _that_ fucking crazy. 

_That’s how Minhyuk ends up finding out, as they walk to school together, huddled in their coats._

__

“Minhyuk, can I tell you something?” Hyungwon feels his heart in his mouth. 

__

“Anything, Hyungwonnie.” 

__

“I… I’m gay.” Hyungwon squeezes his eyes shut. 

__

“Okay.” Minhyuk says simply, “thanks for telling me.” 

__

Hyungwon opens his eyes and stares at Minhyuk. “Just like that?” 

__

Minhyuk laughs, “What did you expect?”

__

“Ugh, this was supposed to be like a big moment or whatever. Trust you to ruin it.” But his heart is light and Hyungwon thinks he might cry from relief. He loves Lee Minhyuk so much. 

__

“Is there… anyone? How’d you find out?” 

__

Hyungwon looks up at the sky and lets out a long breath, which puffs out in the cold air. “Kihyun. I like Kihyun.” 

__

Minhyuk snakes an arm around Hyungwon’s shoulder and without looking at him, Hyungwon can hear the smile in his voice. “Okay.” 

__

“What should I do, Minhyukkie?” 

__

A small sigh. 

__

“There really aren’t many options. You tell him…or you hide it until it fades and disappears.”

__

The topic changes and they trudge their way to school as if everything is fine and dandy and Hyungwon hasn’t just come out to the first person in his life. (Hoseok doesn’t count)

__

For someone as ditzy as Minhyuk, he presents a pretty solid point. Through the week, Hyungwon finds he can’t keep Minhyuk’s words out of his mind. Between constantly thinking about how warm Kihyun’s hand might be and the crazy possibility of him confessing to Kihyun, Hyungwon’s headache worsens by the day. 

__

He can’t confess to Kihyun. He can’t. The thought of that leaves his mouth dry and heart beating wildly. The thought of everything changing between them, souring and curdling and turning awkward and weird, breaks his heart. But what if it isn’t weird? Does he dare imagine the other possibility? It's so dumb and frivolous it's kind of funny, really. Of all the people in the world, Hyungwon's heart had picked Kihyun and spray-painted the biggest, most obnoxious red 'X' over him. Hyungwon curses the heavens, because his life would have been so much simpler if his heart had chosen anyone _but_ Yoo Kihyun. If he had to be gay, he should have fallen for Minhyuk, who was way more open and comfortable with emotions and weirdness. In more ways than he knows (he'd be delighted if he knew), Kihyun really does make his life difficult. 

__

_Or you hide it until it fades and disappears._

__

_Minhyuk's right_ , he thinks weakly, _there really only are two possibilities._

__

If Hyungwon tries to wait it out, he’ll be waiting his whole fucking life.

__

-

__

"I'm sorry. I really am. You're great. The best I could've ever had." Hyungwon spews compliments to Dasom because she deserves it all, but they both know they're too late and don't (can't) mean anything the way they both had wanted them to. 

__

"I hope you find what you want, Hyungwon." Dasom tucks a lock of dark hair behind her ear and smiles. Her chin wobbles a little bit, but her smile doesn't drop from her face, "and for the record, this breakup was mutual, okay?" 

__

Hyungwon lets out a relieved laugh.

__

_-_

**to: minhyukkie oppa my no. 1 best friend forever**

_i think_

_minhyuk i think i’m going to tell him_

__

**from: minhyukkie oppa my no. 1 best friend forever**

__

_okay ^^_

__

_i’m here if it goes wrong_

__

_but if it goes right please don’t ditch me i’m lonely too_

__

_promise me!!!!!!_

__

-

__

They’re in the park. Winter has come and the trees are nearly bare of leaves. Trust Yoo Kihyun to find beauty in it all, though. Hyungwon watches fondly as Kihyun admires the trees. Which are dead. 

__

Kihyun looks him in the eye, reading his mind. “They’re not dead. You suck, Hyungwon.” 

__

There’s something so endearing about him, oohing and aahing over bare branches and dead leaves in the freezing cold, and Hyungwon feels a cosy warmth in his heart. Kihyun looks so small and cute, _god_ , even the smile on his lips is small and cute, and Yoo Kihyun truly has taken over every inch of Hyungwon's foolish heart, dug out all the muscle and flesh, curled up in the middle of it and conquered the whole damn thing. Kihyun had always been selfish, reluctant to share what was his with others. 

__

“Kihyun.” The moment the name leaves his lips, he knows this is it.

__

Hyungwon feels like he’s going to throw up any moment now. His throat is dry and his nose is running and he’s going to freeze his cheeks off if Kihyun makes him stand in the cold any longer. Worst of all, Kihyun’s confused expression is _literally_ the fucking cutest thing in his world, his whole heart aches. But Hyungwon must be some sort of a masochist, because he keeps his eyes on Kihyun, the pain in his heart dull but not unpleasant. 

__

“Kihyun,” he says it again because it feels natural to. Because everything feels natural with Kihyun, from the way Hyungwon recognises every little crease in his brow and twitch of his lip to the way the teasing and taunting and laughter just flows naturally whenever they're together.

__

In front of him, Kihyun seems to sense that Hyungwon’s not just going to make some jab about the dead trees, and takes a step forward. His breaths are steady. Hyungwon wishes he could say the same. 

__

Of all seasons, Hyungwon’s least favourite is winter. Always the other side of his coin, winter is Kihyun’s favourite. Winter is cold and dark and means dry, cracked lips and clammy hands. But winter also means Yoo Kihyun standing opposite him in a beanie looking more lovely than anything he’s ever seen, so maybe winter is his favourite now and _fuck, when did he get so cheesy?_

__

“I like you.” _Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck._ The blood is roaring in his ears, and _oh god, no_ , if he was nauseous before, the bile is basically on the tip of his tongue now, he’s about to vomit it all out - his breakfast and his lunch along with his whole heart and all his gross icky mushy feelings. “ _Like_ like.” 

__

His eyes are closed now, because he can’t do this to himself. He’s so scared, _has he ever been more scared in his life, probably not, what in the world was he doing, he should have just kept it a secret._

__

“I always knew you were a romantic.” Kihyun says after the longest silence in Hyungwon’s whole life. “I can’t believe you’re confessing in the snow.” 

__

Hyungwon opens his eyes and the snow is light and feathery and nestling in Kihyun’s hair. 

__

“Do you mean it?” Kihyun says more seriously. _Has Kihyun's voice always been this gentle?_

__

“It took me months to admit it.” Hyungwon breathes. His whole heart is on his sleeve now. 

__

Kihyun looks up into his eyes, and his smaller stature always makes his chin look defiant. But Hyungwon reads Kihyun like Kihyun reads Hyungwon and Kihyun is shy and unsure and confused, and Hyungwon’s heart is on fire. “Okay.” 

__

“Okay?” Hyungwon feels time stop when Kihyun takes a step closer. “Okay good or okay bad? Jesus, tell me already, stop leaving me hanging.” 

__

“Okay good.” Kihyun says simply, and he lets out a shuddering breath. Kihyun cups Hyungwon’s cheek in his small hand, and it’s cold but Hyungwon thinks this is better than anything he could have ever imagined. Hyungwon doesn't miss the tremble in Kihyun's fingers, and he's _so_ relieved he's not the only nervous one here. _Now or never_ , he thinks, and Hyungwon closes the distance between them. Kihyun’s mouth is warm against his and he feels the flutter of Kihyun’s eyelashes against his skin and he thinks his heart has definitely exploded, because _this_ was what first kisses were meant to feel like. 

__

They pull away and Kihyun can’t meet his eyes, which is good, because Hyungwon doesn’t _actually_ want to die right now. 

__

“Like, okay very good.” Kihyun's voice is a little breathless and Hyungwon breaks into a huge smile.

__

He must look like the biggest idiot in the world now, smiling so wide his face might just crack in two. Gingerly, he takes Kihyun’s hand in one hand and brushes the snowflakes out of his friend's hair with the other. Hyungwon has never been the _feelings_ y type of person and he's always hated cheesy things. Just for today (or maybe forever), however, he's willing to overlook how mushy this all is because everything is so perfect and Kihyun is so perfect and Hyungwon wants to kiss him a million times more. _Ew._

__

“Okay very good then, Yoo Kihyun.” Hyungwon leans down and kisses Kihyun again, slow and sweet, and Kihyun smiles back. 

__

-

"You're so grossly cheesy, Chae Hyungwon." 

"I highly doubt 'grossly' is a proper word, Yoo Kihyun."

"Shut the hell up, you're both grossly gross as fuck."


End file.
